Run For Your Lives

I have often said that nothing reflects the mindset of a place better than its weekly Police Report. So if this one is any indication, Harvard is: worried...

11:58 p.m.—Officers were dispatched to a report of a suspicious item in the Blackstone Steam Plant Complex at 46 Blackstone Street in Cambridge. The officers reported that the item appeared to be road flares wrapped in tape and rope that were lying on the ground near the loading dock. The Cambridge bomb squad arrived and determined that the item was indeed suspicious and therefore X-rayed the item. The bomb squad reported that the item was wiring. Harvard University’s Facilities Maintenance Operations confirmed that the item was wiring for a motor that was being installed for a gate and all was in order.

4:22 a.m.—An officer was dispatched to a report of white powder on the sixth floor of Quincy House A. The officer arrived and reported the powder was just laundry soap and it was located outside the laundry room.

...and juvenile...

3:02 a.m.—A Harvard University Police Department (HUPD) guard was dispatched to a report of a group being loud on the Harkness Commons skating ring at 14 Everett Street in Cambridge. The individuals were sent on their way.

1:32 p.m.—An officer took a report of an individual receiving annoying phone calls at the Bureau of Study Council, 5 Linden Street in Cambridge.

1:31 a.m.—Officers were dispatched to a report of three individuals fighting near Johnston Gate. Officers arrived and spoke to the individuals who stated that everything was fine and they were just playing around.

...and, surprisingly resourceful:

7:52 p.m.—An officer was dispatched to take a report of ninety chocolate cakes valued at $1,700 that were stolen from Holyoke Center at 1350 Massachusetts Avenue in Cambridge.

10:34 a.m.—An officer was dispatched to the Gordon Track Center at 55 N. Harvard Street in Boston to take a report of a stolen Juggs Super softball pitching machine valued at $1,500.

Seriously? A pitching machine? Those things are not exactly pocket-sized. And neither are 90 cakes, for that matter; what, did they back a truck up to Finale or something? Was Ocean's Eleven involved in this? Is there some kind of black-ops training for Pastry Theft that teaches you this stuff? How the hell do you steal 90 cakes?

MEANWHILE the Ec Department is pissed cause its asbestos-laden library is being invaded by sissy art-loving Eurotrash, Quincy House revealed an Orwellian intercom system after its office got flooded with sewage, tomorrow we're all going to die in a horrible death blizzard of doom, AND Chris Lacaria is a regular Crimson columnist. (Kidding, Chris, I love you and I don't think you're "regular.")

All of which leads to the inescapable conclusion that the Apocalypse is upon us (insert your Dr. Faust joke here). Or at least, February, which in New England is pretty much the same thing. So don't let your troubles get you down; take a breath, relax -- that Lite-Brite is not a bomb, it only wants to be loved -- and await your impending death with cheerful resignation. That's the way I do it.

On a campus like this it's the only way to survive.