College to Students: NO PARTIES FOR YOU

Just posted at the Crimson:

The College has ended the Undergraduate Council program that disburses thousands of dollars every week to pay for campus parties. In a sharply worded open letter to four UC representatives, Interim Dean of the College David Pilbeam chastised the council for insufficiently regulating the parties and urged the council to refocus its attention on funding student groups.

Pilbeam, in his letter, said the UC "has not assumed responsibility...for verifying that underage students will not be reimbursed for purchasing alcohol." He added that "it is quite apparent that the UC Party Grant program, in practice, has funded parties where the focus is on drinking." And he claimed that the program created problems for the Houses by promoting events in cramped dormitory rooms.

"From this date forward no further funds can be dispersed for private parties, including any that may have already been approved for forthcoming dates," Pilbeam wrote.

Gosh, I'm sure glad they made this public during UC election season, so students could weigh in on the subject, instead of the fucking day immediately after. Hooray for student democracy!

...This is actually not entirely unexpected. Mather's (and the Dems') own Josh Allen made the threatened party fund a cornerstone of his UC reelection campaign -- see Mather-open:

I was also a bit surprised at first about the administration really pushing on the party fund. When they expanded it to include Freshmen, they were very adamant about alcohol control. In that case it as pretty easy given that the UC would simply not reimburse any freshman party receipts that included alcohol purchases.

I'm not so sure why there's been little buzz. I think it is because
most of the pressure has been pretty internal. The lawyer the administration sicked on the UC this summer and the recent pressure from the Deans has been at the upper levels of the UC and have not really been transmitted publicly. The changes implemented with the party fund, tightening the underage drinking prevention measures (see them here: http://uc.fas.harvard.edu/index.php?page=party-fund), were prompted when the Deans approached UC higher-ups with renewed concerns.

While the changes to the party fund have appeased the administration for now, it's still clear that they would like for the fund not exist. They've never been happy with the possible liability issues associated with it. The threat of even more stringent requirements (and requirements that would largely defeat the goals of the party fund) is still there. I'm fairly confident that we can protect the fund, and hopefully expand it further (ideally), but vigilance is necessary.

So, hotshots, what exactly do we propose to do? Is the party fund worth fighting for? Discussion is open...

Update (12:20 PM): Read the full text of Dean Pilbeam's letter. He provides three basic reasons for his decision: the lack of control over underage purchasing, the problem of encouraging a culture of heavy drinking, and overcrowding in House suites.

Obviously if the College thinks ending the party fund will somehow curb underage drinking, they've got their heads so far up their asses they're coming out their ears. The only consequence of this will be fewer parties -- hosted by those students who are independently wealthy enough to buy their own booze -- which results in more overcrowding and more binge drinking (due to scarcity). Not to mention, this will mean an increase in business at final clubs, which of course are such PARAGONS of responsible community values. And Pilbeam's suggestion that parties will migrate to large House common areas, where BAT teams will be in force, is absurd on its face.

Proposing this as a means of easing the party crisis is like saying "there's too many accidents on the roads in winter, so we're going to stop plowing them."

The only one of Pilbeam's reasons that holds up is his statement that the College cannot use institutional funds to procure alcohol without regulaton. To which the proper response is, "tough." If they had the well-being of students and the student body in mind, they would be more concerned about a healthy drinking environment rather than their legal situation. But once again, our administration is more concerned with covering its own ass than the interests of the tuition-paying students...

Update II (2:40 PM): Hey, another fun coincidence! Did you know that the deadline to opt out of the $75 UC fee was September 30? Conveniently right before they told us our money wasn't going where we wanted! Gosh, that Dean Pilbeam and his crazy timing...

You can call the Dean's office at 617-495-1560. Be respectful. I'm told the person to call is Dean Kidd (rather than Dean Pilbeam's poor beleaguered assistant), at 617-495-1558.

Run For Your Lives

I have often said that nothing reflects the mindset of a place better than its weekly Police Report. So if this one is any indication, Harvard is: worried...

11:58 p.m.—Officers were dispatched to a report of a suspicious item in the Blackstone Steam Plant Complex at 46 Blackstone Street in Cambridge. The officers reported that the item appeared to be road flares wrapped in tape and rope that were lying on the ground near the loading dock. The Cambridge bomb squad arrived and determined that the item was indeed suspicious and therefore X-rayed the item. The bomb squad reported that the item was wiring. Harvard University’s Facilities Maintenance Operations confirmed that the item was wiring for a motor that was being installed for a gate and all was in order.

4:22 a.m.—An officer was dispatched to a report of white powder on the sixth floor of Quincy House A. The officer arrived and reported the powder was just laundry soap and it was located outside the laundry room.

...and juvenile...

3:02 a.m.—A Harvard University Police Department (HUPD) guard was dispatched to a report of a group being loud on the Harkness Commons skating ring at 14 Everett Street in Cambridge. The individuals were sent on their way.

1:32 p.m.—An officer took a report of an individual receiving annoying phone calls at the Bureau of Study Council, 5 Linden Street in Cambridge.

1:31 a.m.—Officers were dispatched to a report of three individuals fighting near Johnston Gate. Officers arrived and spoke to the individuals who stated that everything was fine and they were just playing around.

...and, surprisingly resourceful:

7:52 p.m.—An officer was dispatched to take a report of ninety chocolate cakes valued at $1,700 that were stolen from Holyoke Center at 1350 Massachusetts Avenue in Cambridge.

10:34 a.m.—An officer was dispatched to the Gordon Track Center at 55 N. Harvard Street in Boston to take a report of a stolen Juggs Super softball pitching machine valued at $1,500.

Seriously? A pitching machine? Those things are not exactly pocket-sized. And neither are 90 cakes, for that matter; what, did they back a truck up to Finale or something? Was Ocean's Eleven involved in this? Is there some kind of black-ops training for Pastry Theft that teaches you this stuff? How the hell do you steal 90 cakes?

MEANWHILE the Ec Department is pissed cause its asbestos-laden library is being invaded by sissy art-loving Eurotrash, Quincy House revealed an Orwellian intercom system after its office got flooded with sewage, tomorrow we're all going to die in a horrible death blizzard of doom, AND Chris Lacaria is a regular Crimson columnist. (Kidding, Chris, I love you and I don't think you're "regular.")

All of which leads to the inescapable conclusion that the Apocalypse is upon us (insert your Dr. Faust joke here). Or at least, February, which in New England is pretty much the same thing. So don't let your troubles get you down; take a breath, relax -- that Lite-Brite is not a bomb, it only wants to be loved -- and await your impending death with cheerful resignation. That's the way I do it.

On a campus like this it's the only way to survive.