Completely accurate predictions for today's PA primary

Good news, everyone: using my MAGIC CRYSTAL BALL I have psychically divined the outcome of the Pennsylvania primary! The following things will happen tonight:

1. Everyone will be astonished by how wrong the polls were, just like every other damn time;
2. Obama supporters will immediately claim that the results mean Hillary must drop out;
3. Hillary supporters will immediately claim that they have won a mandate to stay on, and also, Barack Obama hates america;
4. Chris Matthews will get very exercised about some bullshit; and
5. Absolutely nothing of relevance will be decided, as this unkillable zombie-like campaign staggers onward into infinity.

There. Now you can skip watching the primary, and do something better with your time -- like a nice walk along the Charles, several dozen rounds of Boomshine, repeatedly hitting yourself in the face with a mallet, etc. Go! Go and be free!

Now in 2007 ... Jesus?

Every year comes in with its entourage of predictions and resolutions, and, in keeping with this, the AP has conducted a whats-a-gonna happ'n? survey, so that those of us fools who, you know, prefer to make predictions on actual evidence can be told what's likely to happen by the gestalt powers of man-on-the-street groupthink. Shamefully, there are no stock tips in the predictions.

There is, however, the giganto-massive guh-huh-WHA? that any clearlthinking adult will stumble into halfway down the article: apparently, one in every four Americans think Jesus will be walking the earth by this time next year.

Come again? Clearly this is one of those articles that should be prefaced at the beginning by "please install spittle protector on screen before reading." It's hard not to be shocked by the fact that a full quarter of our country legitimately believes that a man dead now for two millenia will likely be strolling around the Earth within a year. There's a lot of smart Christians out there, but I'm willing to be that most of them aren't really expecting to call up Jesus to ask for gift-buying advice next December.

It's easy to file this fact up in "depressing realizations about the world" along with the fact that Rivers Cuomo thinks that Panic! At The Disco is 'avant-garde', but I would suggest this one belongs better under the "massively worrisome catastrophes" file cabinet.

How did this happen to our country?