Shorter Chris Lacaria

Another Great Awakening, 11/10/2008:

• Politics shouldn't take the place of religion in the minds of callow, atheistic youth like Kameron Collins' 90-year-old great-grandmother.

...Words fail me.

Baltimore!!! Lay off my hometown Lacaria!!!

First of all, there is no way that this picture of Hillary Clinton can remain not a part of demapples. If she loses Pennsylvania, the one plus for her is that there is enough time for her to drop out in time for prefrosh weekend!! For those of you who were curious, Hillary chases with beer.

Now on to "The Greatest City in America" (Or at least this is the Orwellian propaganda on all of our Benches. Personally, I have been of the opinion that if we are going to lie, we should lie a little bigger. "Greatest city in the galaxy" perhaps?)

First, it has been this long since the Orioles have made it to the World Series.

And it has been this long since the Orioles finished above .500

But after a week of this year's baseball season the Baltimore Orioles are shockingly in first place!! In fact, I feel the need to write this post immediate as I know that if I wait another day the orioles will soon return to our rightful spot in fourth place in the AL East. And I will have to bite my tongue as smug Red Sox fans, such as demapples favorite Chris Lacaria, pee themselves with glee every time David Ortiz scratches himself in the on deck circle and take the team's success as evidence of Boston's superiority in spite of the fact that it was 35 degrees yesterday (on April 13th!!!!)

Anyhow, Lacaria took a completely baseless and absurd swipe at Baltimore last week in his column (linked above). I felt that his ridiculous charges of bandwagon hopping could not go unchallenged. Here is my response to these accusations:

Dear Crimson,

Chris Lacaria is free to make sweeping criticism of godless Harvard liberals, the left wing media, baby killing environmentalist radicals, peacenik latte drinking america hating yoga instructor Democrats and the like, and he does so on a regular basis in his column. Today, however, in his column "Jump off the Bandwagon" Lacaria has finally crossed the line in his condescending, derogatory and just completely untrue characterization of Baltimoreans.

Lacaria writes "if they are from Baltimore...many Harvard students--for a month at least in early autumn--are rabid Red Sox." I defy Mr. Lacaria to find one (one!) native of the Charm City, one person who has had the distinct privilege of spending childhood afternoons with their father in the stands of beautiful Camden Yards (with no poles in their sight line), who proudly applauded as Baltimore native Cal Ripken Jr. rounded the field after playing his 2131st consecutive game, who believed in "Orioles Magic" and the "Oriole Way" long after Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy had become myths, just one person who will blithely cast away their identity as a resident of "The greatest city in America" to don an absurdly overpriced Red Sox hat and cheer for our hated AL East rival with whom we only share the common enemy of the positively satanic New York Yankees.

I will admit that the Baltimore Orioles have fallen on hard times lately. We haven't had a winning season since Mr. Lacaria was busy explaining the stain on Monica Lewinsky's dress to his 5th grade homeroom.

But it is awfully premature to so preemptively be handing out unwanted tickets on the Red Sox bandwagon. At the time of this writing, it is the Baltimore Orioles who sit atop the AL East while the Red Sox languish in last.

The Baltimore bandwagon is leaving the station Mr. Lacaria. Feel free to jump on board.

Sincerely,

Sam Novey

UPDATE: Watch out Maryland liquor stores!! Jenna Bush is moving to Baltimore!

It-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named

From Chris Lacaria's column today:

Meanwhile, the Office of Sexual Assault Prevention and Response (OSAPR), ostensibly a counseling and support group, this month prepares for a production of Eve Ensler’s impolite and immodest play, “The V----- Monologues.”

All of the six-letter words beginning with "V":

vacant vacate vacuum vadose vagary vagile vagina vagrom vaguer vahine vailed vainer vainly vakeel vakils valets valgus valine valise valkyr valley valors valour valses valued valuer values valuta valval valvar valved valves vamose vamped vamper vandal vandas vanish vanity vanman vanmen vanned vanner vapors vapory vapour varied varier varies varlet varnas varoom varved varves vassal vaster vastly vatful vatted vaults vaulty vaunts vaunty vaward vealed vealer vector veejay veenas veepee veered vegans vegete veggie vegies veiled veiler veinal veined veiner velars velate veldts vellum veloce velour velure velvet vended vendee vender vendor vendue veneer venery venged venges venial venine venins venire venoms venose venous vented venter venues venule verbal verbid verdin verged verger verges verier verify verily verism verist verite verity vermes vermin vermis vernal vernix versal versed verser verses verset versos verste versts versus vertex vertus verves vervet vesica vesper vespid vessel vestal vestas vested vestee vestry vetoed vetoer vetoes vetted vexers vexils vexing viable viably vialed viands viatic viator vibist vibrio vicars vicing victim victor vicuna videos viewed viewer vigils vigors vigour viking vilely vilest vilify villae villas villus vimina vinals vincas vineal vinery vinier vinify vining vinous vinyls violas violet violin vipers virago vireos virgas virgin virile virion viroid virtue virtus visaed visage visard viscid viscus viseed vising vision visits visive visors vistas visual vitals vitric vittae vittle vivace vivary vivers vivify vixens vizard vizier vizirs vizors vizsla vocals vodkas vodoun voduns vogued voguer vogues voiced voicer voices voided voider voiles volant volery voling volley volost voltes volume volute volvas volvox vomers vomica vomito vomits voodoo vortex votary voters voting votive vowels vowers vowing voyage voyeur vrooms vrouws vulgar vulgus vulvae vulval vulvar vulvas

It's true; The Vicars' Monologues really is impolite and immodest.

Chris Lacaria's Salient Article: "Woe is me--the African drums are destroying the stately sublime of of my Georgian red bricks."

I just got the latest edition of the Salient; the first that I've had the privilege to read, and I was somewhat befuddled by Chris Lacaria's article on Faust's installation, 'Fair Harvard, Whither Hast Thou Gone'?

It was all about "the postmodern professoriate, the hypersensitive administration, and the grasping student body" who are rejecting the Puritan past of the University in favor of "the millenarian belief in a progress characterized by escalating economic and social inequality." That sentence I just quoted confuses me. Maybe Lacaria meant de-escalating or diminishing? Or maybe he meant it the way he wrote it, in the Calvinist sense of progress being the increasing distinction between the 'elect' and everyone else--they do mention Calvinism on the back page.

He then takes a dig at Faust's name, makes an argument that truth actually can be a possession rather than an aspiration,

Then, somehow this:

Today's Harvard, on full and frank display Friday, aspires to tear down the edifice of privilege--to pursue social justice, to rectify past prejudices, and to produce more suitably progressive graduates. But tearing down privilege is no difficult task; it is so attractive, today, precisely because it is so easy. To renounce privilege is to renounce responsibility, to erase any claim held by others, by the public, by the past and by posterity, to your best behavior and most honorable conduct. Jettisoning privilege frees students and teacher alike from constraints on behavior and on speech and on values. And the first to go is appreciation for beauty.

So, pursuing social justice and rectifying past prejudices = renouncing responsibility, honorable conduct, best behavior, etcetera. Not only that, it equals ugliness.

And he really means that overcoming Harvard's racist/elitist past compromises beauty, apparently, because in the next paragraph he says, "[The inauguration] was ugly. The jarring rhythms of Pan-Africa, the new-age Hindu devotional hymn, the crude caricatures of Harvard's Puritan founders, all contributed to the burlesque quality of the proceedings."

You know, President Faust sort of addressed this in her speech; as I recall, she said that we might have nostalgia for the Harvard of the past but that we should remember that however great it was, it only served a small group of white, male, wealthy people. To me this seems a good point.

But Lacaria doesn't mention that portion of the speech; he actually doesn't describe much of the inauguration ceremony at all, considering the length of the article. Instead, Lacaria concludes with his nostalgia.

"Not only repudiating the tradition and heritage entrusted to her, Faust's new understanding of Harvard taunted it and all who have ever and will have ever, from now onward, enjoyed it. And for Harvard students of our generation, those whose idea of Fair Harvard has long since been plundered of its pleasant illusions, we will never quite know the magnitude and value, the pearl of such great price, of what exactly we have lost."

I had a hard time figuring out exactly what it is that Lacaria thinks has been lost--perhaps I'll never quite know, but it really seems as though Lacaria yearns for the day of the all-male, all-white, all-Puritan campus. Instead of making an argument for the specific traditions that he feels have been repudiated--exclusivity and elitism, as far as I can tell--Lacaria makes an argument for tradition in general.

It's too bad that Lacaria's illusions are being 'plundered' by an African drum group, but I'm sure that once he leaves Harvard, with all of its uncomfortable (for him) aspirations to meritocracy, he'll find his place in the Republican power structure, at a think tank or magazine, and will be able to quite comfortably de-plunder himself and live out his Puritan-Christian-elite fantasy, right along with his Winston-Churchill-noble-warrior fantasy and his father-knows-best-authoritarian fantasy.

Of course, this is all I've read of Lacaria, so the last two I'm only positing. You people that are more familiar with him: am I wrong?

Three-Day Weekend Update

Here’s what you missed partying too hard this President’s Day Weekend (which isn’t over, actually):

-- Happy Chinese New Year! Funny anecdote: this website has a list of the top pigs. Karl Rove did not make the cut.

-- Laurence Fishburne, the Oscar-nominated actor whose film credits include (but aren’t limited to) What’s Love Got To Do With It, The Matrix, and Boyz n the Hood is set to host Cultural Rhythms next weekend. I hope he has Keanu’s phone number.

-- Everybody has an opinion on President Faust. Cambridge Common has been running segments from progressives on campus (mine is here) and RedIvy has some interesting posts, as well. And to think Mr. Lacaria, my fellow Crimson columnist, started it all with his epic column.

-- Madame President, along with Giselle Barcia and Jill Swencionis wrote an op-ed “Unsex me Here!” in The Crimson Friday. Comments have ranged from the supporting to, how shall I put this, the colorful. 

Run For Your Lives

I have often said that nothing reflects the mindset of a place better than its weekly Police Report. So if this one is any indication, Harvard is: worried...

11:58 p.m.—Officers were dispatched to a report of a suspicious item in the Blackstone Steam Plant Complex at 46 Blackstone Street in Cambridge. The officers reported that the item appeared to be road flares wrapped in tape and rope that were lying on the ground near the loading dock. The Cambridge bomb squad arrived and determined that the item was indeed suspicious and therefore X-rayed the item. The bomb squad reported that the item was wiring. Harvard University’s Facilities Maintenance Operations confirmed that the item was wiring for a motor that was being installed for a gate and all was in order.

4:22 a.m.—An officer was dispatched to a report of white powder on the sixth floor of Quincy House A. The officer arrived and reported the powder was just laundry soap and it was located outside the laundry room.

...and juvenile...

3:02 a.m.—A Harvard University Police Department (HUPD) guard was dispatched to a report of a group being loud on the Harkness Commons skating ring at 14 Everett Street in Cambridge. The individuals were sent on their way.

1:32 p.m.—An officer took a report of an individual receiving annoying phone calls at the Bureau of Study Council, 5 Linden Street in Cambridge.

1:31 a.m.—Officers were dispatched to a report of three individuals fighting near Johnston Gate. Officers arrived and spoke to the individuals who stated that everything was fine and they were just playing around.

...and, surprisingly resourceful:

7:52 p.m.—An officer was dispatched to take a report of ninety chocolate cakes valued at $1,700 that were stolen from Holyoke Center at 1350 Massachusetts Avenue in Cambridge.

10:34 a.m.—An officer was dispatched to the Gordon Track Center at 55 N. Harvard Street in Boston to take a report of a stolen Juggs Super softball pitching machine valued at $1,500.

Seriously? A pitching machine? Those things are not exactly pocket-sized. And neither are 90 cakes, for that matter; what, did they back a truck up to Finale or something? Was Ocean's Eleven involved in this? Is there some kind of black-ops training for Pastry Theft that teaches you this stuff? How the hell do you steal 90 cakes?

MEANWHILE the Ec Department is pissed cause its asbestos-laden library is being invaded by sissy art-loving Eurotrash, Quincy House revealed an Orwellian intercom system after its office got flooded with sewage, tomorrow we're all going to die in a horrible death blizzard of doom, AND Chris Lacaria is a regular Crimson columnist. (Kidding, Chris, I love you and I don't think you're "regular.")

All of which leads to the inescapable conclusion that the Apocalypse is upon us (insert your Dr. Faust joke here). Or at least, February, which in New England is pretty much the same thing. So don't let your troubles get you down; take a breath, relax -- that Lite-Brite is not a bomb, it only wants to be loved -- and await your impending death with cheerful resignation. That's the way I do it.

On a campus like this it's the only way to survive.

The Crimson Hits A New Low

I am going to be sick.

I would venture to guess that Gloria Steinem has never read Thucydides.

She and her ideological sisters at Ms. Magazine seem to have overlooked some particularly sound advice in the Athenian admiral’s account of Pericles’ “Funeral Oration.” In his speech, Pericles suggests that “not to be talked about for good or evil among men” is a woman’s “great glory.” His concern is not the limitation or restriction of women and their actions, but rather their ennoblement; he does not think they should be subject to gossip and rumor. Women want—and deserve— privacy, Pericles seems to be saying.

First of all, kudos to the genius headline writer that gave this the subtitle "Delusional feminists set the clock back on women’s rights", before allowing Chris Lacaria to cite as his example of the modern moral authority: Thucydides.

But really: I'm not sure whether this column offends me because it's so stunningly arrogant & paternalistic, or just because it's monumentally irrelevant. Where, by God, does Chris Lacaria get the authority to tell the women of Ms. Magazine what is and is not appropriate discourse -- and then, amazingly, to turn around and say that "Women deserve better"?

("Honey, quick, go back in the kitchen! There's SCARY FEMINISTS on the TV!")

I can't believe it's 2006 and we even have to deal with this crap. I thought all this was basically settled 30 years ago. Did I miss something? Have disco and the pet rock come back?

Or is the Crimson just hard-up for material, and resorted to scraping the bottom of the barrel?