Why I want to become a Supreme Court Justice

I've decided to climb back out of my virtual hole to share with you two reasons why Supreme Court Justice should be above Fireman, President, and Jedi Knight on every kid's list of dream jobs (mostly this is actually just a way of showing off that I've read the New York Times every day this week, but I think you'll enjoy it nonetheless).

First, Barack Obama isn't the only prominent Bob Dylan fan. Apparently Chief Justice John Roberts is too, so much so that he cited a Dylan lyric in an opinion last week. While he gets points for being more original than the 19 judges who have cited Dylan's "You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows" from "Subterranean Homesick Blues," Roberts commits the ultimate sin of getting the lyrics of "Like a Rolling Stone" wrong. O.M.G. I mean, if you're going to put a Dylan lyric in an opinion, you might as well go the full length and include the double negative: "When you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose."

Why this is awesome: That line is now a freaking law which will have to be considered as precedent for every court decision in this country from now on. HOW AMAZING IS THAT. Ok, fine, he actually wrote it in a dissenting opinion. But if I were a Supreme Court Justice writing a majority opinion, I could make anything I want into a law, and it would require a Constitutional amendment to overturn it! It brings a whole new meaning to "Activist Judges"!
Can mentally challenged people vote? Yes: "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."
Is Communism a national security threat? No: "If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow."
And if I ever heard a child rape case, my entire opinion could be the lyrics to "Don't Stand So Close To Me".

Speaking of child rape, that brings me to my Second Awesome Thing. Apparently writing a Supreme Court opinion doesn't require you to actually know things, as long as no one else remembers to tell them to you.

It turns out that when Justice Kennedy based last week's decision that child rapists cannot be put to death partly on the fact that the Federal government doesn't allow it, he was...well...wrong. In 2006 the Uniform Code of Military Justice was amended by Congress to allow the death penalty for members of the Armed Forces who rape a child. Oh, and the last execution by the military came in 1961...for the rape of an 11-year-old girl.

But Kennedy gets no blame for this mistake, because none of the 10 briefs filed in the case mentioned this law. Here are some of the people who missed this:

• Sen. John Warner and Rep. Duncan Hunter, the sponsors of the bill that contained that provision.

• George W. Bush, who signed the bill into law.
• The staffer(s) who presumably explained to the President what all the big words in the bill meant.
• The Solicitor General, whose job it is to write briefs defending Federal laws.
• The lawyers for both sides of the case.
• All nine Justices.
• The military.

Whoops.

Why this is awesome: First, I could be incorrect and it wouldn't matter; other people would get blamed! And second, Kennedy's decision effectively nullified that portion of the Uniform Code, meaning I could strike down laws I don't even know exist! HOW CRAZY IS THAT.

And finally a reward from myself and the Capitol Steps for reading this far: